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Descent

by Dodo Bird

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1.
A tiny kitten, or other such small, defenseless animal, a mouse or vole, a little bird or snail, It is hard to tell, it is so small and frail. It is trapped in a vast machine, caught between valves and gears, hydraulic pistons, pneumatic pumps, it knows not the names of all the parts It has been there for some time, lost, deep in the mechanism. It knows not what the machine manufactures, all it sees are conveyors and servos and engines and chains and wires and circuits, capacitors, resistors, transducers, transistors discharging, vibrating, processing, consuming The creature is lost, it cries and it whimpers. Through greasy cracks, it crawls and it slithers. Perhaps one day, I shall find the exit? Escape to the meadows of which I dream? But when it wakes it is locked in the darkness, poisonous fumes and suffocating smoke. The tiny creature is pressed and crushed under constant, unrelenting force, an incomprehensible, absolute command. Failure to succumb, failure to perform, failure to succeed, will be met with immediate sanctions, expulsion from the cycle, into the nothing between the components, into the void where the creature now struggles, feebly attempts to fill its tiny lungs with the acrid air Yet still it searches, perhaps in vain. It shall soon falter and cry no more. For this machine has no end, there is no escape, because it is the whole world
2.
Sitting here with my cat, curled up on my lap, listening to old songs dreaming of loving another human creature, maybe it will happen tonight! The streets are empty, silent as a desert. The mercury lamps flicker cold. Rain drops fall around me, the wind is lashing furiously, I huddle in my coat and bow my head. Singing this song that no one recognizes, maybe someone would hear me! Hey I know this song! I thought I was the only one! Come on up here, let's put it on the record player. Dance a silly dance I got wine if you would like some, it's cheap, and leftover, but not so bad i swear to you. It's cold, and my heater's broke, but if we drink, and if we dance we wouldn't be so cold, so what do you say, come on up here? Yes, I would! but that is just ridiculous, because such things never happen to me and so I continue, street after street, night after night, year after year. In all the wide world no one has seen me, no one has looked into my heart. It's not such a special heart yet every heart wants to be seen, I want to be seen at least once! The night is worn, dawn approaches, gray light and chirpy birds. Early risers are hurrying off to work, I'm going home, where can I go? Maybe tomorrow someone will recognize the song, till' then I shall sleep
3.
It's so bizarre, I have fallen in love with my neighbor who lives downstairs. A tiny girl, cross-eyed, deaf and mute, but I speak some sign, and I love her She's pale and she's sickly, drinks all the time, swallows any drug she comes across. She doesn't tell me what is wrong, but I hug her in her bed to keep her warm She doesn't shiver so much anymore, she forgets that she needs the drug. You are my drug, she says, You are my new drug, and she kisses me under the blankets I love her so much, my silly cross eyed girlfriend, I can't believe how lucky I am. If one day she'll go away, leave me forever, I'll always be happy, for knowing her
4.
How the fuck, does she love this man, this stupid piece of human scum. Is it the drugs he gives her? Is he so good in bed? She's just a toy for him to use and discard I will never know, why she likes him, why she moved away to his ugly town, to his filthy house, to his wretched parties with the shitty music and his ugly friends, misogynist business partners who laugh at her behind her back. They think she cannot hear, because she's deaf, yet she reads lips, but they don't care. Do they fuck her too? Fuck and discard, transmit STD's, put her videos online. Yes she doesn't care, she loves him and shuts me out. She wants to live at the bottom of the pit where no one cares how ill she is where no one cares if she dies or lives I would kill him if I could I would cut his throat I would burn him and all his chauvinist friends, but it will not help, she will not be saved, she would find someone even worse. I will kill him I will kill him I will kill him if I can I will cut his throat, I will cut his dick I will burn his bones I will smash his skull t'ill there's nothing left of his wretched soul Well things took an unexpected turn. She's gotten pregnant, and had his child, a little boy, deaf and mute, and I hear his dad is proud and good. She's very happy, with her child and her man, more than she has ever been with me, but I don't believe that he's really changed, there was never a grain of good, in his twisted brain I will not hurt him, for her sake and for her kid, but I wish he was dead, he has no right to live. I would tear him apart with my bare hands I would crush his skull I would cut him up I would grind his flesh and cook it on a pan I would feed him to my cat, It will save me pet food, for at least a month
5.
This is how it started One cold night as I prowled through the alleys, drunk already, drugs running down my veins. I came across a girl with neon-blue hair and a cigarette burning in a cold blue flame She was covered in tattoos, her bosom overflowing, she briefly smiled, as she passed me by. I followed her into a pitch dark warehouse, I could not see a thing, but I could hear music, throbbing, shrieking, guttural screams, and smoke, pungent, like a burning corpse was rising from the darkness somewhere underground I descended down long, narrow steps into a chamber of red and black. Thick smoke congested miasma, people were dancing, crammed in tight, swaying to the rhythm, all bodies are merged, a monstrous creature from the depth of the ocean I could not see the girl whom I have followed but I inched through the crowd, till I could move no further. All around me, bodies are heaving, kissing, groping, licking, biting. a women before me, with see through black dress had her back pressed tightly against my chest, gyrating on my cock and at the same time kissing a skinny, skin-head, pierced topless girl. I put my arm around the skin-head, grabbed her ass and pulled it hard, squished the two girls, thrusting from behind, but then I saw blue cigarette sparkle, far away, a glittering star I knew I wanted her there and then I knew I will fuck her where I stand. I shoved through the crowd, violently pushing, but she has slipped away into a dark aperture I followed down steps of rusted iron, into a long, smoke filled hall. In the gloom, on the floor, were slithering bodies, naked, fucking, to the beat of the music Further away, I could see her in the darkness. I walked to the far end of the hall. She was standing there with her back to the wall, smiling, sucking on her cigarette. She gave me one puff, and my mind reeled. I knew I must fuck her there and then, and so I did. I turned her around, pressed to the wall, pulled her skirt, and pushed inside I could not find this girl, the next time I was there. Maybe she dyed her hair again, but it did not matter, there was always someone that I could fuck, there was always someone, wherever I went. All I had to do, was not ask for consent. and they wanted me, for the first time in my life, the sluts wanted me, the first time in my life. I fucked them hard, I cut them deep, I burned their skin with cigarette ash, and still they wanted more, they could not have enough I fuck them hard and then discard I cut their skin with a burning pin I fuck them hard and then discard I burn their skin the worthless whores One has even asked me to cut her head off, drink her blood, and burn her bones. I said no, though I was not unwilling, I just didn't want to acquiesce to her wishes. I fuck them hard and then discard I burn their skin the worthless whores
6.
I met this girl who ran away from home, gave her food and she stayed at my place. I fucked her on the third night We were broke, I didn't work. She worked the streets, and got us drugs. she said she loved me, and kept my bed warm She fed the rats, talked to homeless men, stole a laptop, started making music, strange sounds that I could not understand Do you love me, she asked one night. I said no, crosseyed has stolen my heart. Then why do you keep me? To fuck you, what else? You are my blow-up doll, Besides, you're fun and you never complain She laughed and she cried and curled on my lap. I distinctly remember her skin was so pale and so cold and so smooth it felt artificial. Police barged in one day, caught us injecting. I was charged with solicitation of drugs and prostitution to a minor and statutory rape. Turns out she was just fifteen, even less when we met They put my face on TV, and all over the papers, but somehow I got off with just community service. I couldn't get a job, all my friends dissipated, an outcast, a pariah I have become I wander what has happened to her, my girlfriend, my blow-up doll. After she was taken away, I realized that I did love her, or at least liked her And now I'm a pervert, or so they say. A sadist, a psycho, a sick piece of scum. So they tell me, and they might be right I wander what has become of her, does she still make ugly music on the computer? After she was taken away, I realized I loved her, or at least liked her And now I'm a pervert, or so they say. A sadist, a psycho, a sick piece of scum. So they tell me, and I think they are right
7.
Where have I gone wrong? If I could place, a single point in time Was it when I fucked the runaway? Was it when I chased the blue flame? Was it when I craved to smash the skull of he who took my love away from me? Or was it long, long before, deep in the shadows of the past? I heard the news, ten thousand died, what does it matter? They are just scraps of flesh, floating on this rock they call earth, washing on the empty shores of space I sit in my house all day all night, or walking aimlessly down the street. I remember when I used to drink all day, it was fun in its way, now I don't drink, what's the point? Oblivion is the same as lucidity, confusion is the same as the sharpest clarity My landlord said I have one more week, after that I'm in the streets. It doesn't matter, not a little bit. Sometimes a soft wind blows by, carrying a song I almost recognize, a scent, a touch, a piece of string, and I look around, and my heart grows cold, and I can almost feel, but it slips away and yet I live, I must have eaten and drank, I'm sure I breath, else I would have died. Or maybe I'm dead, and I'm just a ghost, it is impossible to tell. I can ask someone, if they can see me, but what's the point, I do not care
8.
Not sure where I am now, rolling down the meadow, daisies dandelions, chamomile flowers Fingers tapping puddles, green complete with tadpoles, frogs and salamanders, and at least one otter napping in the sun Swans are drifting, foxes playing, hedgehogs scampering, under the hibiscus Dancing in a circle, it is such a warm night, people celebrating, dancing round and round A dancer whirls before me her eyes are smiling. You old tom cat, why are you standing? soon birds shall perch, lay eggs on your head. Now come with me, let us be dancing The music is infectious The beats are inviting I can't help smiling I can't help smiling She laughs and pulls me away, we whirl, the world is blurry, and just her eyes holding mine, and just her eyes holding mine We are drawn to the hills, on dry, old weeds, she kisses me so sweet, the first kiss of my life How can a kiss be so good? It is just a silly thing. Yet my heart has melted, and I lay lithe, devoid of strength. She holds me closer to her, and I disappear We walk hand in hand through a vast field. Far away, the mountains are snowy, but here it's still warm. Behind the clouds, the sun is shining What is your name? I ask. What do you want it to be? How about Jane? That's a name I always liked. Be it Jane, and what is yours? Peter, Thomas or John? Thomas is OK, I guess, like a tom cat. You are Thomas, then, and I am Jane Hey, Thomas, do you know that I love you? I do, I do know that. Do know that I love you Jane? Of course, of course I do, let's watch the swans take flight, they feel the autumn wind, and shall all rise from the lake, you see? It's quite a sight We sit by the water, watch the swans, and the geese. I hold my arm around her, she puts her head on my shoulder. Like this we pass the time, until the sun sets When I open my eyes, I stand in a roundabout on dying grass and thorns, pink and white oleander. Around me cars go round and round, buses and trucks, motorcycles and scooters The smoke is a cyclone, and I'm in the eye. Someone throws a cigarette at me, it lands on a flower. I pick it up, throw it back on the road. From this day forward, until my last breath, thou shall be named protector of the pink flowers! Someone sneers from a car, spits tobacco on me, slurs something I don't understand, nor do I care to. It's starting to rain, gray, polluted drops. I close my eyes, the noise fades away Jane and I lay on the grass, by a burning fire. We don't have much wood, and the wood we have is a little wet, but it does not matter, we lay naked together, our parts that touch are warm, our parts that don't are a little cold It's good to lay like this with this woman. It is all that I could ever ask. it is all that I could ever ask.
9.
Who Is This 04:50
Who is this, this mad old apparition, crawling through the streets? Blurting nonsense, teeth all rotten, milky tears excretes. Barefoot in December, feet all swollen, blue and purple bruises. There's food in the garbage, moldy melon, methanol it oozes People cross to the other side, but sometimes don't notice me in time. They are too busy looking at their phone and in their way I slime. Or touch 'em like a creep, I grab their arm, ignore their lame resistance. I like it cos although they're scared they acknowledge my existence I have deep respect to these noble entities, creatures of a hopes and dreams. They work and build and innovate and renovate I hold them in the highest esteem I like to sneak behind young girls, and suddenly grab their shirts I like to crawl, on all fours, surprise them under their skirts Ha, if a dog would suddenly lick a girl, she'll go aww cute and pat it on the head, yet when I do it, it's screams of rage, I don't blame them my soul is dead I used to know a girl, whose name was Jane, we lived inside a fable. We would hang out by the fire, listening to records, on her old turntable. When I closed my eyes, I laid in her arms, listening to all her silly talk, making fun of me making fun of her, never tired of her sarcastic jokes But now when I blink I see something very different, soulless demons, their eyes are vacant. So I no longer sleep, just feed on your revulsion, a repulsive, hateful, vile abomination But soon you'll rid of me, my brain has been corrupted, my bones have turned to sludge, I'm sure my blood's infected. Soon I shall be expelled from this existence and relieve you from my pitiful presence
10.
Lying on this old bench. it's a cold, harsh rainy day. Branches bend in the wind, thunder, rumbling away Raindrops falling on me, hale piles up on the dirt. I lay on my side, here, in this tiny park A kitten scruffy and gray, scrambling from under the bench. He cares not for the rain, he cares not for the hale He found a small patch of sun surrounded by puddles and mud. He's playing with flying dead leaves, and washes his gleaming gray fur I look at the little gray cat, I think of nothing at all. Now just me on this bench, looking at a little gray cat Maybe, there was some light deep in my murky old eyes. Maybe, I even smiled before my very last breath I reach out to the cat, my hand passes right through. I fade into the mist, the cat continues to play

about

A gothic tale in ten parts.

credits

released July 15, 2018

All parts by Dodo Bird, except:
Two - Ariel My Friend: drums.
Three - Ariel My Friend: Organ and drums.
Seven - Ariel My Friend: Acoustic guitar and drums.

A huge thanks to Shay Leon and Ariel My Friend for helping to mix the album, and to Dmitry Mariengof for suggestions on the structure of Three.

Special thanks to the laughing dove and her chubby chick for making me happy.

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Dodo Bird Tel Aviv Yafo, Israel

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